I dream that we walk hand in hand
I feel loved
I wonder if this is your way of telling me,
You yearned for that too.
When no one was watching, and everyone thought she was doing just fine.
He was the one who unclenched her fist, placing her hand in his and whispered…Breathe.
You tried to offer me a petal
While he was planting me a rose garden
You gave me what was left
While he gave me his life
You used me for your needs
While he was building me castles
You played on my insecurities to gain control
While he waited with arms wide open
You made me believe I was nothing more than ordinary
While he looked at me like I was nothing less than extraordinary
Why did it take a villain for me to realise I always had a Hero by my side?
Just as no one can prepare you for the love you will feel holding your child for the first time.
It’s the same with death, no one can prepare you for the emptiness it leaves, the devastation it creates.
It’s the circle of life; nothing prepares you for the beginning or end.
I didn’t know I would miss you this much
I never expected the regret.
I assumed we had nothing left to say
but in truth, we never even started.
I was so busy dealing with your rejection,
I never understood the way you loved
Now all the answers surface…now when it’s too late.
I wish I knew,
while you were still here for me to say I love you too.
I wish I realised how much you cared,
while you were still here for me to show you that I cared for you too.
Now the misunderstandings seem so trivial.
Because no matter what we had,
it was still better than not having you at all.
She tried it your way,
but was left boundlessly within the echo of her pain.
So, she gets up once again, dusting off the hurt, collecting her armour.
Placing her back against the wall protecting her heart from any silly ideas.
I reflected back on 2018 which felt like it went by in a blink of an eye. So much happened in the time of that blink though.
My greatest joy of 2018 was the birth of our third daughter, Jesse, what a joy she has been every single day. Her happiness is contagious! She reminds me to appreciate the small things, she brings me back to basics and the beauty in everyday simplicities. She is JOY in the purest form.
We’ve bought a unique family home, again a gift from God, and we are grateful for this blessing. We’ve only lived here for 2 months, but already memories were made. Children’s laughter from the garden, friends visiting, family sleepovers, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, New years and I foresee countless memories being made through the years to come. This is HOME – by God’s grace.
William moved over to a new company, I’ve changed careers, back to full-time Mommy – again by God’s grace.
The lowest, not only for 2018 but one of the biggest heartbreaks I’ve had to encounter was my Dad’s passing. We saw him that day still, and I remember his smell and his last hug, I wish I knew it would have been the last hug, I would have held on a little longer, or maybe I wouldn’t have been able to let go at all. I wasn’t prepared for this type of grief, and people say time will heal, but I find myself falling deeper into the pain of losing him. Maybe I will still get to the healing stage, but at the moment the hurt is raw, painful, with a lot of regrets, a lot of “what if’s”. The blow sometimes cripples me, a pain I was never prepared for and now a pain that I have to conquer, and I try, by holding onto God – He makes my bruised heart and soul bearable as I journey on the path of healing. If I could talk to my Dad one more time, I will tell him I loved him through it all, and I know now he loved me too. I would say I am sorry I was afraid all the time, I would say I am proud to be his, I would say, it’s ok, I would say, Rest In Peace Pappa, please Rest In Peace – you deserve the peace by Jesus, no more hurting, no more stress, just peace by our Lord Saviour.
I am forever grateful that my Dad got to meet Jesse and their souls touched for brief period in time.
2019 – I think I am ready for you – I don’t fear you any more because I know the Author who wrote you and I know He will never let go of me (us)
More intimate time in God’s word and presence
Show my Husband how much I love him
Be more present in my children’s lives. Jade, Logan and Jesse are my silver linings to every cloudy day, I want to return the favour.
Less stressed Wife and Mom ( I cause 90% of my own stress – going to really try work on that)
Be more environmentally conscious
Try to be more healthy (I’m not going to lie, this is really hard for me)
Write – my writing has taken a back seat since I found out I was pregnant with Jesse and that’s ok too – seasons and all, but I feel the strong pull inside me, the bottled up words need to be laid down on paper. This will circle back to two of the goals as mentioned earlier too – Less stress and heal. I am excited!
May 2019 be all you wish it to be and may you linger in the presence of God daily and through each journey 2019 takes you on.
I love a good romance but this book is so much more, filled with suspense and a gripping story, to say the least. Melissa’s scenic description is so wonderfully written, you can almost smell the dust and feel the blazing Karoo sun on your skin.
The two main characters are Carter from Texas, a former musician, trying to start over in the family oil business; and Lexi going back to her Karoo routes to rebuild her life, after a heartbreaking divorce which left her bankrupt. Their paths cross, at what seems, the worst possible time but as their story unfolds, Melissa keeps you hooked through their journey. Another character that kept me on the edge of my seat was Paul, the best friend/infatuated admirer of Lexi. Don’t want to give too much away, but his story/journey was brilliant too.
This is a must read, 5-star novel and I can’t wait for Melissa’s next one. (So, please hurry…no pressure)
One more thing, LOVED the music references, Jack Johnson and Pearl jam, two personal favourites.
Thank you for an awesome read, Melissa Volker.